The Case of Uzumaki Naruto vs Haruno Sakura
by Blackblooded
Summary: Naruto is arrested because he didn't pay Sakura child support. Now he has to go to trial to prove the child isn't his. Naruto Harem. A little Sakura bashing, just a tiny tiny bit. If you don't like black comedy, this is not the story for you.
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING: THIS SHIT WILL MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE AT ALL XD**

**5 YEARS AFTER THE 4TH SHINOBI WORLD WAR**

Naruto was on his knees, surrounded by ANBU. "Uzumaki Naruto, you are under arrest for failing to pay Child Support to one Haruno Sakura." Naruto looked at the ANBU with a bear mask.

"He's not my kid, that doctor lied about the DNA test. Look at the child and then look at me. WE LOOK NOTHING ALIKE!" The ANBU with the neko mask punched Naruto in the face. The others had to hold her back before she caused more damage.

"Men like you make me sick" she said. An ANBU with a pure black mask walked up to Naruto. He crouched down next to him and said "Kami this is troublesome. I'm going to read you your rights."

"Don't bother Shikamaru, I already know them."

"Good, cause I don't feel like talking much"

**KONOHA'S TORTURE & INTERROGATION DEPT.**

Wearing a chakra restricting collar, Naruto was in his holding cell grasping the bars. "He's not mine I tell you! He's not mine!"

"He may not be yours, but you're going to be mine" said a voice behind Naruto. Naruto froze and slowly turned his head around. His eyes became wide and his mouth opened as he looked at the man. Standing in front of Naruto was a black muscular 250 lbs. man. He was about 6 feet tall and towered over Naruto.

"Please don't hurt me" pleaded Naruto.

"Don't worry, the pain will disappear... after a couple weeks." He gave Naruto a sadistic smirk.

"You wouldn't rape the Hero of our village would you?" Naruto gave the most innocent smile

"Wait, your Uzumaki Naruto aren't you? I couldn't do that to the man who saved the Shinobi World. Black Sunshine on the other hand, he'll probably destroy your ass."

"Whose Black Sunshine?"

The intercom to the cells then announced it was time for the showers.

"Looks like you're about to find out nigga"

**5 MINUTES LATER AT THE SHOWERS**

"Don't worry, I got your back if something goes down. Name's Tyrone by the way."

"Thanks Tyrone." said Naruto as he continued to was his body. A fat black man then walked into the showers. He started to observe the new meat that entered his buffet. He had a tattoo of the sun from Teletubbies on his round belly. He saw Naruto and lick his lips. Naruto turned his head just in time to see Black Sunshine lick the roof of his mouth at him. Naruto began to wash his body faster as the heavy set man walked towards him. The soap slipped out his hands and hit the ground.

Everyone heard the soap as it collided with the floor. The entire shower was quiet. Black Sunshine started to walk over to Naruto. Tyrone stepped in front of the man between him and Naruto. Black Sunshine went up to Tyrone's ear and whispered something. Tyrone's body froze and he looked to Naruto.

"Sorry nigga, but you on your own." Tyrone then sped out the showers as fast as he could, slipping and falling as he left. Naruto turned to Black Sunshine.

"Soap dropped nigga" Naruto looked to him with a shocked face "Oh you think you just gone leave it down there."

"N-No."

"We don't waste no motherfuckin soap in here"

"I'm... I'm finished" said Naruto nervously

"Naw, naw nigga you ain't finished. I been watchin you"

"You have" he said with mixed emotions. Shock and fear, but mostly fear.

"You ain't wash behind your ears or nothin"

"B-but I did"

"Look at me. See how I'm all clean and glistening and shit. That's hygiene nigga." Naruto daringly looked at the Black Sunshine's body. He looked at his tattoo then his eyes started to trail downwards. He finally can to his thick 15 foot long cock and his eyes widened. "You can call me Black Sunshine, ya friendly health inspector. NOW PICK UP THE DAMN SOAP!"

As he looked at the soap, Naruto could hear the other men in the showers.

_Pray, you better pray_

_I'm next_

Just when he was about to accept his fate and bend over, an ANBU yelled his name at the shower entrance to the showers.

'Thank Kami' thought Naruto

**INTERROGATION ROOM**

Naruto was sitting in the chair with his head on the table. He was napping while waiting for whoever was going to talk with him. The door opened and his interrogator looked at him with a pissed off face. They kicked him in the head to wake him up. Naruto flew and hit the wall with a loud thud. He opened his eyes and looked to his beautiful interrogator, Mitarashi Anko.

"Damn Anko! You look fine as hell!" She picked him up and slammed him on the wall. "You bastard, I actually liked you maybe even loved you. But I could never love a deadbeat father."

"You loved me?! Why didn't you tell me?!"

"I was afraid you would reject me because of our age difference. But that does not matter because I no longer love you. You abandoned your child."

"He's not my child Anko-chan" She blushed at the honorific but wiped it away quickly. "Listen, have anyone of you actually seen the kid?"

"Yes" she let him go and showed him a picture of the boy.

"Thats not him, thats me as a kid! Look in the right corner." Anko then looked closer at the picture. In the corner she could see the hokage monument. It only had 4 heads on it. "Your right Naru-kun, this is you. I'm so happy!" She pressed his head to her breast and began to smother him to death. "I'm getting you out of here! ANBU!" Suddenly ANBU appeared next to them. "I will be guarding this one... personally" Naruto sweat dropped at the seductive way she spoke.

**OUTSIDE THE BUILDING**

Naruto was walking out the building with Anko when Hinata and Ino showed up. They looked to Naruto and said at the same time. "HOW COULD YOU!? I LOVED YOU!"

"Guys, he's innocent."

"Thank Kami" both the girls said

"HOW MANY GIRLS LOVE ME?!" Right when Naruto said that, multiple girls started to come out the bushes, the sewers, the surrounding buildings and out the street. "We love Naruto-kun!" The hundred girls said at once. Naruto looked to his penis and thought 'We got our work cut out for use little guy.'

His penis then started to talk back 'Fuck that, I ain't going limp years from now because you want to fuck so many chicks'

'Come on man look at these girls. Imagine the feeling of being in every one of them.'

'If its anything like Sakura-chan's then I'll pass. That was just horrible, I thought I felt teeth'

'Ok ok, what's the limit then?'

'You don't get to know, I'll surprise you. Just say these are the only girls I'll love.'

'WHAT?!'

'Do it or I'll become numb so you never feel a thing'

'Damn you!' "These are the only girls I'll ever love" Suddenly he lost control of his body 'What the hell is going on!'

'Shut Up! I'm about to pick' Naruto's body suddenly flung towards Hinata and he grabbed her breast. "Sorry Hina-"

"HE'S TOUCHING MY BREAST! HE LOVES ME!" Naruto looked at her in shock as his body then began to move again. He grabbed Ino's breast. "HE LOVES ME!"

'What the FUCK is happening!?'

His body went around touching breast after breast, tit after tit, bosom after bosom, and sweatbag after sweatbag. When it was finally over, some women were happy while others ran away crying. 'I am so fucking confused about what just happened'

'Don't worry about, the only thing that matters is you getting to screw all these lovely babes'

Naruto looked at the group around him. Anko the sadistic freak, Hinata the shy screamer, Ino the dominatrix, Shizune the flexible nurse, Tsunade the cowtit Hokage, Tenten the pain loving weapon mistress, Tayuya the MOTHERFUCKING flutist, Temari the big booty wind master, Konan the tight origami screw, Mei the hot big booty huge tits cute face tight pussy Terumi, and any other person you guys can think of.

'This is going to be fun' said his penis

'You forget we still have to go to court because of Sakura-chan'

'Fuck that bitch, Fuck these Bitches!'

'I guess it won't hurt'

'Don't lie to yourself'

**ENDING NOTES**

Tell me what you think, this is my first comedy. I am perverted nigga aint I. If I get 2 reviews, I'll continue.


	2. Chapter 2

**Beginning Notes:** I'll tell you right now, I laughed so hard at certain parts, my neighbor started pounding on the wall

**Chapter 2: The Beginning of the Trial**

Naruto woke up surrounded by the multiple women in his harem. Hinata had her head in Temari's big and juicy booty. Tenten, with cut marks all over her body, had her face in Tsunade's huge rack. Shizune still had a finger in Tayuya's ass while Ino was face first in her crotch. Naruto looked around at all the women around him, some on his bed while others were passed out on the floor. As he got out the bed and left the room to take a shower, he heard all the girls scream. He rushed back into the room "What!? What's wrong?!"

"You left" said all the girls at once. He sweatdropped at the comment. "I'm going to go take a shower, you guys can use the other three bathrooms."

"Wait, Naru-kun. We have to talk to my father" said Hinata and Ino

"Your fathers can go fuck themselves!" he said as he left to the bathroom

"Isn't he so wonderful" said Temari. They all sighed as he daydreamed of Naruto.

"Who would've thought his one inch cock could grow to thirteen inches like that." said Tsunade

"That's like a ratio of 1:100!" yelled Ino

"Bitch, shut yo dumbass up!" said none other than Tayuya

"Who you callin a bitch, I'll fuck yo shit up!"

"Her shit already fucked up" said Temari

"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH! SNAP!" yelled everyone except the raging Tayuya

"You trying to start shit you ugly ass cunt!" Tayuya pulled out a kunai "I'll cut ya ass"

"Bring it on bitch!" yelled Temari. Once the two started fighting, everyone got dragged into it, excluding Hinata. Hinata just backed into a corner and tried her eyes out "Why can't we just get along? There's always racism in the world. Why does Obama not say nigga?"

One of the girls you guys thought of looked at her "The fuck are you talkin about!" She pulled Hinata's hair and dragged her into the fight.

Now apparently this bitch is dumb, otherwise she would know to never fuck with a blac- I mean Hyuuga girl's hair. Lets just say the fight turned from a brawl to a slaughter.

**IN THE SHOWER WITH NARUTO**

Naruto was listening to the new J. Cole album while he washed his body. He then took a gallon of bleach and poured it on his crotch. 'Damn, I hope I didn't catch anything from Anko. I heard that chick's a slut.'

'Hey man, be careful with that shit. Its starting to burn a little' said his penis

'Don't worry, Kurama will fix us up. Right buddy?'

'Fuck you Naruto! You didn't let me watch!' yelled Kurama

'Listen, I figured you didn't deserve to watch, not after you got Sakura-chan pregnant.'

'I didn't get her pregnant or else he would've had a tail. You didn't get her pregnant or else he would have whiskers like you. So who does that leave?'

'Kiba, Shikamaru, Sasuke, Choji, Kakashi, Iruka, Lee, Shino, Konohamaru or Udon. I think she got pregnant the day we ran a train on her.'

'Will you two shut the fuck up! I think I hear something going on.' yelled his penis

'How the hell can you hear, you're a dick?'

Narr: Don't you question my story!

'Fuck you Author!'

Narr: Fuck me, FUCK ME!? Fuck you! Just for that, you're life will be more hell!

'You... ain't... gone... do... SHIT!'

Narr: Keep thinking that. Asshole.

Finally finished Naruto got out the shower. As he walked down the hallway to his bedroom, he smelled blood. He smelled a lot of blood! "You fucking asshole, you didn't?" But I did. Naruto entered his to see dead bodies everywhere. In the center of the bloody mess was Hyuuga Hinata. She looked at Naruto "Does this mean I get all your love now?" Blood and guts were all over her body.

"You bastard! WHY?! WHY?!"

Narr: You forced my hand

"Please give them back! I'll suck your dick."

Narr: Sorry, I have a wife for that. She has excellent form you know, no teeth.

"Please, I beg you!"

Narr: Say sorry, autograph this picture of you as Hokage and do your Oiroke no Jutsu. Then dance on this stripper pole for me while I make it rain.

"Ok anything." Naruto did as I said. When he turned into his Naruko counterpart, I brought my other friends over and we looked at his body for hours.

Logic: Is this gay?

Narr: Naw, we admiring a girl not a guy. Burgers are done.

Logic: Can you hand me a Bud

Narr: We only got Coors left

Logic: Shit

Narr: Oh I'm sorry, I forgot you guys are still reading let me finish up the story.

Naruto undid the jutsu and looked back to see all the girls were back alive and sound asleep. "I feel so violated and used." Looking at his watch, he saw the time. "Shit! I'm not going to make it to my case!"

Narr: I got you my nigga

Naruto and his sexy and fine women were instantly teleported to the courtroom. Naruto looked at his women that filled up half the courtroom. They all had on outfits that a whore should be wearing. "Nice!" said Naruto. He then looked at what he was wearing a orange and black pimp suit. "Fuckin awesome!"

He looked to see his lawyer. It was a fine ass asian girl with tits you would want to fuck for days! Naruto walked over to her and said "My dick is cold, can you help me-" She immediately put her hand in his face and shoved him to the ground. She planted her foot on him and looked him directly in the eyes. "If you touch me, I'll rip your small dick off. And the name's Laquisha." "HOT!"

She just sighed and sat back down. Naruto sat next to her. He looked to the other side of the courtroom to see Sakura talking to her lawyer, Nara Shikamaru. 'I'm screwed' thought Naruto. Sakura looked at Naruto and pumped her fist at him. Laquisha noticed this and looked at Naruto. "So you and Haruno Sakura had a child, huh? I can see it happening. You would only go after ugly sluts."

"Hey, she may be a slut, she may be a cheating whore, she may be on her period 24/7, but she's still Sakura-chan to me."

"So let me get this straight. You, Uzumaki Naruto, the Hero of the Shinobi World, the man who could probably have any woman he wants goes after Haruno Sakura?"

"Yea"

"Then you marry her, have a child with her, and says he's not yours?"

"Yea"

"Then you divorce her when she cheated on with the Uchiha and decided to not pay child support for the baby that's supposedly not yours?"

"Yea, Sasuke and I are the best buds"

"You get arrest, almost get raped twice and end up with a harem of women bigger than a small village?"

"Who told you about the rape?" whispered Naruto

"And after all this, you still somehow love her?"

"She's the love of my life"

"You're one crazy dumbass, how you saved the world I will never know"

"I don't know how I did it either, I think it had something to do with Sasuke, my dad, the Kages and Shikamaru's Ultimate Plan. I got high with Kirabi before we started fighting. He has the best dank."

She facepalmed. "Oh Kami" Just as she said that, the bailiff walked in. "All rise for the Honorable Sarutobi Sasuke."

"Kurenai's son is the judge!? He's only like 6!" yelled Naruto

"Kid's one of the most smart and ruthless people in the world. Once you die, he'll probably take over everything." answered Laquisha

Sarutobi Sasuke walked out his office with two little girls around his arms. "What up my niggas! Lets get this shit started" As the two girls walked away he slapped their asses. He suddenly grabbed one of them by the arm "Where you goin La-a"

"How many times do I have to tell you, its La'Dasha"

"I'm sorry baby but come on up here with daddy" They walked up to the his sit. "Get under there, you know how stressful this job is."

"I think I'm going to puke" said Naruto as he started to heave.

"Your Honor please, this should not be done in a court of law" said Laquisha

"Bitch was I talkin to you?! Shut you oriental ass up before I make you come suck my dick."

"Yes your Honor"

"Sasuke! Please stop this!" yelled Naruto

"What did I do?" Sasuke said in the audience. He bit into the hotdog he bought outside. "Mm, Hot meat taste so good. The juices just explode in my mouth."

"HAHAHAHAHA THAT NIGGA GAY!" laughed Sarutobi Sasuke "Listen to not cause confusion, just call me Young$imba, cause I was born to be the motherfuckin king"

"Yes Young$imba. Now can you please have that little girl get off from under there, we don't want the story to be taken down. Even if the author is a huge fan of Loli"

Narr: I'M A PEDOPHILE AND I'M PROUD

"Ok bitch, you heard the man. Get yo fine ass out of here."

"Yes daddy" said La'Dasha. Young$imba looked at her ass as she walked off. "I can't wait til this over with, I'm gone plant my di-"

"WOAH! Lets not push it!" said the bailiff. Naruto then looked closer to the bailiff and recognised the person.

"TYRONE! They let you out!"

"Naruto! Yeah man, they got the real nigga that kill my pops. I was a victim of racial profiling man."

"Who did it?"

"My twin brother De'Angelo. We don't look nothing like each other man. It was some bullshit. See." Tyrone pulled a picture of his brother and showed it to Naruto. They looked exactly alike. "Well how you been man?"

"I've been good, a nigga could-"

"I hate to interrupt y'all niggas tradin stories and shit, but we got shit to do."

"Yes Young$imba" said Naruto and Tyrone

"Alright, lets get this baby started"

**ENDING NOTES**

Y'all blew the review request away. I decided to update this next day. Give me three reviews and I'll continue. Until next time niggas!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Naruto was confident in the witnesses chair. He looked to Young$imba and asked "How long is this going to take, I have women I need to satisfy?" Young$imba looked at him and looked to his Naruto's girls.

"How is it man, to have all those chicks?"

"Its great! Why you jealous or something?"

"No, I'm just happy I'm not the only pimp for once. You see, when you ain't got no competition in the hoe business then you can charge people anything you want. My girls charge $1000 for a stinker(Anal) and $500 for a quick pusher(standard sex)."

"I'm not a pimp! This suit just appeared on me."

"Right and I'm in a good little bitch who does everything her mommy says."

"Fine, think what-" He was interrupted when the doctor finally came out the back room.

"It seems the father of the child is Uzumaki Naruto's, but-" said the doctor. Naruto leaned over to the doctor and whispered in his ear. "What the fuck man?! I payed you good money!"

"She payed more" answered the doctor. Sakura was on the table shaking her ass like it was her payday. She was twerking the little ass that she had. "You gotta pay up now you son of a bitch. If you don't, then Black Sunshine gone tear that ass up!"

"HOW DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THAT?!" yelled Naruto

"You were gonna be raped by Sushine?!" exclaimed his harem of women.

"Don't worry girls, there's no way I will go to jail. I'll kill that baby before I go back there." Everyone sweatdropped at his moment of stupidity.

"Would everyone hold on a second. I didn't get to finish what I was saying. Naruto is the child of Haruno Sakura's child, but he isn't the only father."

"WHAT?!" yelled everyone in the courtroom

"Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke, Inuzuka Kiba, Nara Shikamaru, Akimichi Choji, Hatake Kakashi, Umino Iruka, Rock Lee, Aburame Shino and Sarutobi Konohamaru are the fathers of little... How the fuck do you say this name?" Naruto looked at the sheet of paper. "Clitorisandrea"

"What kind of fucking name is that?! You're asking your daughter to be a whore!"

"I thought the baby was a guy?" asked Hinata

"She's a futanari." answered Sakura "Naruto thinks she's a guy because she has a penis."

"And I stand by that claim" The Naruto thought for a second. "Wait, Udon was there with us, how was he not a father to the child."

"Udon, are you in this courtroom?" asked the doctor

"Yes."

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're sterile."

"WOOOOO! FUCK YEA! Hey ladies, this guy is open for a free fuck anytime!" yelled an ecstatic Udon.

"You sir, just turned yourself into a free prostitute." said Young$imba.

Sakura then walked up to Young$imba's podium and looked him straight in the eye. "So how is this going to work?"

"What do you mean how is this going to work, you still get $700 a month for child support. Naruto's debt will be split amongst the others. So in all, you each only have to pay $70 each for child support."

"This is bullshit! This bastard owes me and they should pay $700 each. You're a fucking asshole of a judge!" Young$imba got angry real quick and bitch slapped her. He walked around the podium and beat the living shit out of her. "Know!" PUNCH "Your!" SLAP "Fucking!" KICK "Place!" ARM BREAK "BITCH!" He pulled her by her hair and lifted her up. He took the gavel and slammed it against her face, knocking a tooth out. He dropped her and she fell to the ground. He turned her around and shoved the thick end of the gavel up her ass. She moaned when it entered her.

"This bitch is slut!" He pulled the gavel out making her sad. "I've meet some hoes in my day, but I think you may be the queen." He threw the gavel to the side and walked to his door. He whistled and the same two girls appeared around his arms. "This case is dismissed!" He walked into the his office as he grabbed the girls asses.

Naruto walked up to Sakura and put out his hand. "Need help Sakura-chan" He smiled at her and she looked at him in disgust. She slapped his hand away! "Get away from me you demon!"

These words repeated in his head over and over. Then, something snapped. He became angry. Really angry. Enraged! **"KILL HER BOY!"** yelled Kurama. Suddenly Naruto grew a chakra cloak and grew nine tails. "YOU BITCH!" He grabbed her by her hair and toss her at the wall. She blasted through it and twenty more buildings. As she came to a stop, Naruto appeared behind her and kicked her from behind. She landed back in the courtroom a bloody mess. Naruto picked her up by her throat and slammed her against the wall. He proceeded to punch her over and over while she was in his hands. She dropped to the floor flat. He started to hear her cry and suddenly removed his chakra cloak. He kneeled down next to her and turned her over. "Sakura! Who did this to you I'll kill him!"

Sakura looked at him with what vision she had and spat blood in his face. "Your a fucking dumbass!" Once again Naruto snapped and dragged her by her hair towards the hole he made.

Young$imba suddenly burst out his office with only his boxers on. "What the hell is going on!? I'm trying to fuck here!" Naruto looked Young$imba with killer intent flaring. He quickly ran back in his office sweating profusely. Naruto continued to drag her until he came to a sidewalk. He planted her teeth on the curb and lifted his foot above her head. He slammed down hard but stopped an inch away. He got an excellent idea.

He walked into the courtroom and looked to his women. "Do what you want with her, I know you're itching to kill her." All the girls got a smile on their faces.

**NARUTO'S HOUSE- 2 WEEKS LATER**

Naruto laid in the bed with all his women. He was in bliss. He looked to the ceiling and asked "I haven't seen Sakura in a while, did you girls kill her?"

"No. We contemplated it but decided to do something else." said Temari

"What did you guys do?"

"We taught that bitch a lesson! I think she's still there."

"Where?"

**IN FRONT OF THE FOREST OF DEATH**

Sakura was bent over in a torture stock. In front of her was a sign that said FREE FUCK! She began to cry as she heard rustling in the woods behind her. The girls cut open an enormous hole in the gate to the forest. A giant bear suddenly came out the bushed and started to walk behind her. She started sobbing and yelled for help but It didn't come. The bear was on top of her now. He leaned his butt back as she screamed and-

**BACK WITH NARUTO**

"I'm sure she loves it" laughed Naruto and the women. And they all lived happ-

"Wait! That can't be it! What happens to Sakura, what about the kid, what about the other dads?! You can't just stop the story!" yelled Naruto

**Narr:** Fine, I'll answer your damn questions! Raped to death by a bear, dies because she blows herself up combining jutsu resulting in half your harem dying, NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THEM!

"Your fucking bastard you know that"

**Narr:** Well I got other ideas and I wasn't planning on this being long

"But the fans will want you to continue or make it longer"

**Narr:** FUCK THE FA... I'm sorry, they will just have to hate me. At least I finally completed something, thats more than what other writers can say.

"Your a dick"

**Narr:** And your a 10 year old girl in the arms of Pedobear

"No!"

**Narr:** Bye my nigga

**Logic:** And they lived happily ever after! Now come help with me and Famousone with The Division!

**Narr:** Ok ok calm your tits pussy


End file.
